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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27304501">just so small and alone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohlovelysunshine/pseuds/ohlovelysunshine'>ohlovelysunshine</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Age Regression/De-Aging, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:41:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,953</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27304501</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohlovelysunshine/pseuds/ohlovelysunshine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>he feels so small. goddamn <em>miniscule</em>. here he is, a fifteen-year-old boy completely alone in an apartment surrounded by a sea that reaches beyond the horizon, and he wishes he was a little kid again, but with someone there to hold him. he’s a teenager. he’s been taking care of himself his entire life. what the fuck is wrong with him?</p><p>—</p><p>(or: dirk learns about a “non-standard” coping mechanism rooted in never having a proper guardian—the hard(ish) way.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jake English &amp; Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker &amp; Dirk Strider, Roxy Lalonde &amp; Dirk Strider</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. roxy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi! im going to murder anyone that interprets this s-xually :) age regression is a coping mech fuck off :)))</p><p>i believe this might be written off of someone’s memories? maybe not lmao but it is lowkey a ventfic cuz lots of us didnt have proper parents in our canons and now we have ppl in and out of our system to take care of us so like…… haha babey time</p><p>except it sucks when our partner sys is asleep JFSGJVHJ</p><p>fuck timezones :')</p><p>(this is gonna be 3 chapters at least!!! one for each of dirk’s interactions with the alpha kids. idk if we’ll ever actually get through all of them cuz adhd, autism, &amp; depression all suck ASS but! there is hope lmao. im not yet sure what exact order itll go in but i know roxy is first)</p><p>- allofis</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>it’s the middle of the night.</p><p>dirk’s wide awake. he sits on the edge of his bed—has been for a while now, actually. the time’s slipped through his fingers and he stopped bothering to count the minutes after the second hour. he isn’t sure why or how he kept it up that long anyways.</p><p>he’s used to this, on one level or another. not just the restlessness—he thinks his day-sleeping tendencies that make up for his deprivation throughout the long, bleak nights are bordering on turning him nocturnal. what he’s also grown accustomed to is the act of simply… doing nothing. sitting. waiting, perhaps—for what, he can never be sure, but it doesn’t seem to come; until it does, maybe. it all depends.</p><p>at times like these, there’s a feeling that dirk usually shoves into his gut—because it’s weird. it’s… abnormal. at least, he thinks so. it’s not like he’s looked into it—leaving that in his search history is an open invitation for hal to pester him. even if the a.i. is technically still <em>him</em>, he’s also… not. it doesn’t feel <strike>safe</strike> right to leave himself vulnerable to that. he sure as hell doesn’t want a psychoanalysis session with his brain-clone. it feels… wrong.</p><p>and there it is, curling in his stomach, carving holes in his heart as a call for attention—for <em>affection</em>. lately, the emotional and mental pain accompanying this wretched sensation has started to convert itself into something physical, making his belly twist with illness, his head pounding while his chest suffers the unreal feeling of his ribs flipping and stabbing through the skin. he doesn’t know of it’s the feeling, the—the <em>desire</em>?—itself, or if it’s because he’s doing everything in his fucking power to suppress it.</p><p>it’s a craving to be… a child. logically, dirk is well-aware that he is still, by standard of long-abandoned law, a child, but he means <em>a little kid</em>. every time he’s reminded of his lack of proper guardian, he takes a moment to wish he could be younger; much, much younger, with the brother he never met holding him in his arms, treating him like a fucking baby. there’s parts of his mind that scream at him, tell him it’s disgusting, revolting, <em>filthy</em>—<em>you’re fifteen! you’ve taken care of yourself all your life! grow up! this is far from the worst of your fucking problems, you sick bitch!</em></p><p>it’s overwhelming to a point where he’s convinced he’s being stabbed by an invisible force—he hunches over, buries his face in his hands, fucking <em>sobs</em> from the dreadful agony shooting up through his gut and spearing his heart like a weak fish already thrown to land. what the hell is wrong with him? why—</p><p>his computer pings and he jumps, nearly ripping out a strand of hair or ten with the motion. taking a couple deep breaths, he gets to his feet; though he silently curses his forgetfulness in failing to turn off his notifications, he lets himself ease on that thought with the reminder that maybe, just maybe, it’ll be enough distract him.</p><p>situating himself in his chair and quickly waking the monitor from its black-screened rest, he huffs at the sight of the currently minimized pink message. another duo of sharp sounds cuts the silent air of his room and he reluctantly opens pesterchum. he violently flings aside the wailing desire to beg roxy for even the slightest amount of affection, no matter what her message may be. <em>fucking disgusting,</em> his thoughts sneer, and he grits his teeth, purses his lips—forces it all away.</p><p>
  <span class="pesterlog">-- </span>
  <span class="roxy">tipsyGnostalgic [TG]</span>
  <span class="pesterlog"> began pestering </span>
  <span class="dirk">timaeusTestified [TT]</span>
  <span class="pesterlog"> at 3:37 --</span>
</p><p>
  <span class="roxy">TG: yoo dirk</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">TG: u up or have u learned the meanin of sheep lol</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">TG: *sleep woops but countin em might help ya</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">TT: I have not, Ms. Lalonde. Please educate me on this concept, dear friend. “Sleep” is such a distressingly unfamiliar term, I may never understand without your aid.</span>
</p><p>dirk’s stomach is tying itself into knots; he wipes away freshly formed tears. he feels awful for even the lighthearted sarcasm; what if roxy gets mad or hurt? he tries to tell himself that she knows him well enough to see the insincerity, but something has hijacked his rational train of thought with the childish pleading of <em>don’t be mad, don’t be mad, please don’t leave, i didn’t mean to hurt you</em>. fuck.</p><p>
  <em>stop it.</em>
</p><p>
  <span class="roxy">TG: sarcsam right off the bat ok</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">TG: ill leave u in peace yhen mr crankypants</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">TG: *then</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">TT: No</span>
</p><p>his finger slips and strikes <em>enter</em> before he can reevaluate his panicked typing for even a split second. his heart clenches, practically stops in his tightening chest, and he stares at the one-word line of orange crafted by his own mindless doing.</p><p>
  <span class="roxy">TG: woah dirk<br/>
TG: r you ok?? i know u dont like to talk feelins n all but i got some wideways vibes from that<br/>
TG: its early as shit i get it if ur overwhelmed with smthn rn<br/>
TG: you can talk 2 me rude!! im not the bestest best at advice but i offer what i can lol<br/>
TG:*dude<br/>
TG: sorry abt that one</span>
</p><p>dirk hesitates, mentally fumbling for a good thirty seconds—maybe even a solid minute or two. if he’s going to trust anyone, why not the only other human left on this planet? she’s always nosing around in his business anyways, it’s not among the worst things she’s known about him.</p><p>yet, of course, there’s that screaming, struggling, fighting force insisting to him that it’s wrong, wrong, <em>wrong</em>, she’ll hate him, hate him, <em>hate h</em>—</p><p>
  <em>ping.</em>
</p><p>the following lines of pink text tip the factors of his decision.</p><p>
  <span class="roxy">TG: seriously dirk<br/>
TG: you dont have to tell me but like<br/>
TG: ur 1 outta 3 of my bestest best tippity-top friends in any timeline/universe/planet/life/etc etc evr<br/>
TG: id be kind of a shitty pal 2 not check up on ya sometime right?? let alone ridicule you for talkin it out</span>
</p><p>one last millisecond of thought—then he bites his lip and his fingers skim over the keyboard, typing so fast his movements border on a full blur.</p><p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: It’s a fucking lot. Buckle up, Rox.</span><br/>
<span class="roxy">TG: seatbelts secuerd bro</span><br/>
<span class="dirk">TT: Hey. Mouth closed, ears open.<br/>
TT: For… a while—I haven’t really deduced (or paid attention to) how long—I’ve been feeling… Ugh, how do I say this.<br/>
TT: I feel like I want to be a kid again—a really little kid.<br/>
TT: But instead of me being alone out in the middle of the ocean with the closest thing to a guardian being a possibly sentient puppet, I want</span>
</p><p>he swallows hard, then powers through the statement—he isn’t quite sure why it’s so difficult to put down.</p><p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: I want my bro.<br/>
TT: … God, that came out so wrong, but—I just wanna be held like a fucking baby and treated like one. I wanna forget about the fact that I’m stranded here, that I’m probably in constant fucking danger, that if I die, I fucking die, there’s nothing anyone can <em>do</em> about it.<br/>
TT: I want someone to… to take care of me. To make all the worries go away and I want them to be a fucking parent to me, I want to feel like I have a second chance at a happy childhood, I<br/>
TT: Jesus god fucking Christ Roxy I just want to <em>be a kid</em> doing <em>kid things</em> worrying about <em>kid problems</em> and I feel fucking <em>filthy</em> for it.</span>
</p><p>dirk isn’t actually sure how long it takes roxy to respond, but it feels like hours. he’s shaking and tears are running down his face without stop and he feels fucking awful. roxy probably hates him now. she probably thinks he’s disgusting. she’s probably going to block him and never talk to him, she’s going to tell jake and jane how horrible he is—</p><p>
  <em>ping.</em>
</p><p>
  <span class="roxy">TG: dirk i think ur age regressin</span>
</p><p>he blinks.</p><p>age regressing?</p><p>before he can ask what the everloving fuck she means, he gets his answer.</p><p>
  <span class="roxy">TG: its a type of copin mechansim<br/>
TG: a subconscious one thats usually just like<br/>
TG: a respnose 2 not having the proper parental care for the part of ur life you need it most<br/>
TG: its not filthy at all<br/>
TG: ur brain is just desperate to fil the holes of ur childhood thatre so empty<br/>
TG: even if its way late<br/>
TG: its ok to want to be a lil kid<br/>
TG: hell if u wanna act like one 2 me im all for it<br/>
TG: im not gonna push you on it but it might do you good to talk about jane n jake abt it too<br/>
TG: especislly jane u know how she likes to mom ppl lol<br/>
TG: just<br/>
TG: ur not gross ok? ur not nasty or disgustin or filthy its <em>normal</em></span>
</p><p>dirk’s shaking has stopped—but he’s still crying. feeling incredibly weak and drained all of a sudden, he reaches out to type a single word, not even punctuating it.</p><p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: Okay</span>
</p><p>he breathes deeply, closes his eyes—only to open them again at another notification.</p><p>
  <span class="roxy">TG: hey while we were talkin<br/>
TG: i trandportalized smthn u might like considerin evrythin<br/>
TG: couldnt find anythin horsey i was willin 2 part with but go chexk it out<br/>
TG: hope u like it lil guy</span>
</p><p>there’s something that makes dirk so fucking warm and soft and happy inside at that—“li’l guy.” it feels so overwhelmingly <em>right</em>. he scrambles up, that sensation filling him with giddy adrenaline propelling him and what he finds at his destination—</p><p>a silky-plush teddy bear, the biggest that could be transported and there’s the laughter of a child, the child <em>he</em> is bubbling up in his chest—</p><p>it’s the most freeing fucking thing he’s ever felt.</p><p>he cuddles the toy close and hurries to re-situate himself at his desk. he’s typing his thanks at high speed—smiling big and loving and joyous and bright.</p><p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: Thank you thank you thank you<br/>
TT: Thank you Roxy<br/>
TT: I love it<br/>
TT: I love it so much.</span>
</p><p>his heart only warms further at the response.</p><p>
  <span class="roxy">TG: anytime dirky</span>
</p><p>he giggles, burying his face in the fluff of the bear, every part of him alight with a happiness he hasn’t felt… possibly ever. it’s a wonderful sensation and he’s basking in every drop of it.</p><p>he returns to bed soon after, and, this time, he falls asleep with ease, cuddled up to his new plushie. what follows is the best night of sleep he’s had in years.</p><p>he feels good.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>the ending was rushed.</p><p>sue me.</p><p>- allofis</p><p>
  <strong>(d//d//l//g, c//g//l, or literally ANYONE who s-xualizes age-regression—go to fucking hell.)</strong>
</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. jane</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>AH FUCK. theres a very momentary emeto mention btw!! just if thats distressing to anyone since it kinda is for us haha. sweat emoji</p>
<p>that noted if anyone needs tws for this chap or the one before just like. let me know oop</p>
<p>- allofis</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>dirk, admittedly, has been… avoiding bringing up the whole deal to jane and jake.</p>
<p>fuck, <em>jake</em>. he, currently seated on his bed with his plush bear, draws his mouth into a thin line, squeezing the toy much closer as he fails to suppress an involuntary whimper. what if, out of dirk’s only three friends, jake is the one to react badly? what if he’s disgusted? shocked? what if he hates dirk for it? what if—</p>
<p>
  <em>ping.</em>
</p>
<p>he swears to fucking <em>god</em> he needs to start turning “do not disturb” on for his notifications more often.</p>
<p>sliding off the bed, comfort toy never leaving his grasp, he moves to the computer. he hasn’t bothered using his shades in a while, for no particular reason—it just hasn’t crossed his mind. (he won’t admit that it’s because he’s avoiding hal, even if the little shit can contact him through his computer if he ever gets fed up with being ghosted.)</p>
<p>
  <span class="pesterlog">-- </span>
  <span class="jane">gutsyGumshoe [GG]</span>
  <span class="pesterlog"> began pestering </span>
  <span class="dirk">timaeusTestified [TT]</span>
  <span class="pesterlog"> at 11:23 --</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="jane">GG: Dirk!<br/>
GG: I haven’t talked to you in quite a while! I’m so sorry about that, I’ve been caught up in things and didn’t think to give you a heads-up!! I really hope you’re not mad. :B</span>
</p>
<p>dirk huffs, unable to help a casual eye-roll. <em>yeah, me too, jane.</em> he pushes the thought back a bit and puts down his response with minimal hesitation.</p>
<p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: No no, I’m not mad at all. I’ve been in a bit of a mess myself lately. Don’t apologize.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">GG: Ooh, dear! Do you need to talk about it, Dirk? You don’t have to, I just want to make sure you’re all right! I’m always here for a chat.</span>
</p>
<p>dirk grits his teeth, worrying at his bottom lip for a moment before subconsciously deciding he doesn’t want to deal with the agitating aftermath of when the skin breaks. he knows he should tell her. he’s dodged it for long enough, he reminds himself, clutching his teddy tight in stress.</p>
<p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: Yeah.<br/>
TT: Yeah, I probably should.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">GG: I’m all ears, Dirk!!! You can count on me to be a good friend about whatever you need to tell me.</span>
</p>
<p><em>will you?</em> his heart throbs in that painful, ache-y, sick way and he suppresses the sudden urge to vomit. <em>fucking control yourself, strider… god.</em></p>
<p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: Don’t feel too jealous, but I kind of already talked about it with Roxy.<br/>
TT: It’s one of those “everyone in the friend group should know this” things, though, I guess?<br/>
TT: It still makes me anxious, though.</span><br/>
<span class="jane">GG: Oh, that’s not at all an issue!! Whoever you’re comfortable telling first, you tell first! You shouldn’t force yourself to tell me before you’re ready to.<br/>
GG: Go on, don’t worry. I’m listening with open ears and an open mind, Dirky! :B</span>
</p>
<p>ah. there goes his stupid little giddy child brain about that nickname again. <em>fuck.</em></p>
<p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: Okay. Um.<br/>
TT: Wait for my say on when I’m ready for an answer, got it?</span><br/>
<span class="jane">GG: Affirmative, Mr. Strider! Take your time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>… here goes nothing—again.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: This is something I’ve been… experiencing? For some time now.<br/>
TT: I didn’t understand it at all and thought I was a horrible person for whatever the fuck it was until Roxy explained things to me when I decided to tell her about it.<br/>
TT: Apparently, I… age regress.<br/>
TT: According to Roxy, because I never had a real guardian, my brain’s choosing to… revert back to a less mature state of mind.<br/>
TT: Having to take care of myself in an apartment in the middle of a dangerous ocean is <em>stressful</em> and <em>scary</em>, Jane.<br/>
TT: There’s no one here to really help me except maybe Roxy but she’s so far away and I’m <em>scared</em>.<br/>
TT: I don’t wanna…</span>
</p>
<p>he hisses between clenched teeth. fuck, he doesn’t want to sound childish <em>now</em>. (that seems like counterproductive intent, a small part of his mind drawls faintly. he ignores it.)</p>
<p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: I don’t want to be an adult.<br/>
TT: But I’ve always had to be one because there were never any other people here to be the adult for me.<br/>
TT: So I’ve just been—<em>alone</em>, acting like I can do everything on my own until the end of goddamn time, and even if I’m fucking capable of it I don’t <em>want to</em>.<br/>
TT: I don’t wanna be a big kid anymore, Jane.</span>
</p>
<p>he’s crying, of course. he sniffles and kisses his plush, again and again and again, melting into the sensation of its warm, silky fur pressed to his body. he manages one more message, feeling entirely drained despite doing nothing more than typing.</p>
<p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: Do you hate me?</span>
</p>
<p>the response is jarringly fast—dirk expected this topic to be something jane would have to mull over for a while. that’s how it often went with concepts that were all too foreign to her; at least, dirk thinks this is something she wouldn’t know much about, if anything at all.</p>
<p>
  <span class="jane">GG: Of course not, Dirky!!!<br/>
GG: I love you very, very much, and this couldn’t possibly change that.<br/>
GG: Even if I don’t know anything about the age regressing stuff, I’d never take it as a reason to be upset at you!!<br/>
GG: In fact, it makes perfect sense to me, really. If you’ve had to be the adult in your own life for so long when you’re hardly even a year out of gosh darn basic <em>puberty</em> now, I’m sure that would seem very wrong to your brain!!<br/>
GG: Humans need love—<em>parental love</em> to healthily develop! You haven’t gotten that at all, so of course I couldn’t think of you wanting to be a child again but in a more child-friendly environment as bad.<br/>
GG: Dirky, I will do everything I can to support you! :B<br/>
GG: You don’t have to be a big kid around me if you don’t want to, okay, dearie?</span>
</p>
<p>dirk feels so warm, inside and out, from skin-to-bone, head-to-toe, he thinks he might explode. it’s like the happiness he felt with roxy’s acceptance except <em>tripled</em>, and he giggles so fucking <em>exuberantly</em>, rocking and flapping his hands with glee. the latter movement is erratic as all hell, but he gathers himself enough to type out a few clipped messages of loving gratitude.</p>
<p>
  <span class="dirk">TT: Thank you oh my god<br/>
TT: THANK YOU<br/>
TT: I love you so much I love you love you<br/>
TT: Thank you</span>
</p>
<p>he bounces in place at the warm response, giggles raising in volume.</p>
<p>
  <span class="jane">GG: You’re very welcome, Dirky! I’ll do everything I can to help you feel happy and safe, sweetheart.<br/>
GG: And that’s a promise!!!</span>
</p>
<p>he crushes his teddy in a hug of glee and affection, heart and body consumed by the relief of jane’s caring words. it’s so, so, so good in a way he never could’ve imagined.</p>
<p>he sighs and hums delightedly, though his lips purse at a new, frightening thought.</p>
<p>that’s two out of three.</p>
<p>everything could still go oh-so horribly with jake.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>someone congratulate me for getting off my ass and doing this please,,,,,, bls i beg of you this was h a r d</p>
<p>ANYWAYS. not only have we never written any jane content but weve never even introjected her so i am VERY sorry if this is bordering on uncomfortably out of character at all</p>
<p>btw! remember the dni from the notes of the last chapter yall it still applies :))))))</p>
<p>i feel like i rushed this too much again tbh but i was feeling suuuuper bad about procrastinating for almost a wholeass month soo. yeah</p>
<p>thank youu!! up next is jake and i am CONSIDERING doing a hal bonus chap if im up to it :]</p>
<p>- allofis</p>
<p> </p>
<p>[1/24/21] <strong>notice:</strong> allofis hasn’t abandoned this!! we’ve just been under some stress and more school stuff has been piling up, plus we have a new special interest and an old one is making a comeback—we’re trying to balance those with our homestuck spin so we don’t drop too many things we consider important to us.</p>
<p>it may still take a very long while for the last chapter to come around, as we haven’t even started it and aren’t quite sure <em>where</em> to start. writing is hard and we get stumped on it pretty often; while it came easy to us years ago, now is no longer that time and all we ask is patience and understanding.</p>
<p>sorry for getting all rambly and weird; we’ve had a long day and we’re tired. thank you for reading!</p>
<p>- lotte</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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